Growing Up

Am I the only one that feels like some part of them is still gonna feel like a ten year old when they are eighty years old? There are days when I feel my actual age, days I feel like a little kid, days I feel like an uncomfortable teen and others where I feel like an energetic all for fun and no responsibility teenager. Then of course there are the days that really suck, where I feel as though I am already eighty years old because of all of the aches and pains of life. Unfortunately it is not a life well lived, but rather one that I have screwed up too many times to count and my body, mind, and lifestyle are suffering from a combination of bad choices and being accident prone, both in and out of the home. I’ve been injured so many times, including multiple car accidents and no not even one has been my fault, Hell I was not even driving in the majority of accidents I just seem to attract bad drivers to whatever car I happen to be in. I’ve even fallen down stairs multiple times ranging from the comical, like when I was so busy looking at a guy in a bar and grill in Seattle that I tripped and half fell down the thankfully small set of stairs, to the less comical apparent multiple falls down a flight of stairs as a small toddler (this one I’ve heard about from my mother who says that the hospital thought I was being abused because it happened so frequently). Last year I slipped and fell when we had a large storm and I fell off a small dividing wall when I was trying to step down and this year I get to have surgery to fix my foot that did not heal properly. Anyway, I’ve reached the point in my life where I have realized just how much of it was wasted being stupid or afraid. Hell, I still waste the vast majority of my life wasting time being stupid or afraid because I let a serious lack of self esteem guide so many of my decisions while failing to do anything to make it better. Lately I have been thinking of all of the things that I need to do to put my life on the path that it should have been on years ago. I finally have a college education to support me, this despite many wrong decisions that led to me having dropped out of high school and getting my G.E.D., and yet I am wasting my education by doing nothing with it. I loved running, getting outside, and swimming until my fear of embarrassment took over and started hiding me in a corner. Maybe I should channel a bit of Dirty Dancing and remember that nobody puts baby in the corner. Of course my inner Scarlett O’hara is always pushing me to think “I’ll think about that tomorrow”. Well Scarlett we are running out of tomorrows and now we may need to let baby out of the corner.

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